Thursday, January 19, 2006
i was thinking of blogging about ayu's new album. but i must say that something else is more pressing. i am darn pissed right now. mixed feelings rioting within me. i feel anger, annoyance, grief, stress all at the same time. have been sobbing alone for some time. (no need to say you feel sorry for me.. i don't go for such stuff especially when i am pissed right now)
my eyes are all blood shot now. i think it is because of the build up of stress within me. i don't wish to talk about details now. not even my parents know what i am sobbing about. i think even my heartless brothers wouldn't even give a damn about my affairs. i was sniffing away while poring over my economics textbook and he was sitting there on his MSN. when it was finally ten, i could tolerate no more. i just told him "eh. it's ten." den he started slamming stuff and finally lifted his butt while glaring at me...
sorry if the details are not complete. tears keep flowing out now.. i don't even know what is it that i am really crying my heart out for. i remembered the last time i cried was when my first pet bird left me. that was months ago and i have suppressed my feelings very well. i don't like crying. it is for the weak. and why have i turned weak all so suddenly? ironic thing indeed. haters of mine will have another thing to gloat about. let me applaud you lowly beings for that. with my heart bleeding and my tears drying up, you guys won't have a better time because i am building a heart of stone.
please. can't you see the reason that i am using the computer for?? its mainly for research. and you guys are like fussing over not being able to play your online games??? don't make the readers of this blog laugh. my mum has bred you guys up for gaming.. good! why don't you win the gaming awards since your life is only but a foundation of games?
I WAS SO FOOLISH TO BE FORKING A LUMPY SUM TO BUY THIS COMPUTER. in the end? plain foolishness on my part to be 'encouraging' them to play. i can't even have the chance to play, so research is even more out of the question. i was even that polite to be asking for permission to use the computer. what was the reply? "oh ok.. let us use first 'kay?"
then i said yes and requested to use the computer at an earlier time slot. but till eight thirty at night, i was still waiting like a dumbass. a dumbass! pestered by the fact that i am still waiting, i asked him and the reply was 'ten'.
it was then that i felt so tired... i sobbed quietly in the toilet. all i needed was the computer for research. my grades, is only a grain of sand compared to their daily doses of games.. and what do i see them playing? maple story. what a friggin funny reason! and i asked very politely. i still did not get to use the computer earlier. instead, all i was was heartless glares when this brother of mine had to leave the computer. that is why i want a personal computer to myself. why do i have to put myself through all the suffering just to get glares and a few hours of researching on the net.
i just realised that complaining on this entry does not help to alleviate the pain i have presently. it saddens me to hear that all this siblings thingy is faux. i did not demand for the computer. and i waited for 5 hours straight. and this darn computer is not producing any results after all my researching. been crying for more than one hour.
not in the mood to continue.. so just shut up and let me be in peace.
6:15 AM
